Orange box Bloopers
by IMATHEMUDKIP
Summary: An in-progress series of Orange Box oneshots. VIVA LA BOX!
1. Pyro's problem

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" Pyro laughed evilly through his HAZMAT suit and gas mask. He turned his flamethrower to a nearby, very unlucky cow.

"Moo?" It asked.

"Mmf, meme! MMF!!!!" Pyro struck up his flamethrower and created, in half the time that any fast-food restaurant could make an order of fries, a juicy, flame-broiled, outback steak. Also known as a dead cow.

"Hey?" An engineer, holding a shotgun, came around the corner.

Engineer? Lacking a monkey wrench? This looked like a job for…

"MMF ME MMF!!!" Pyro sang, thrusting his flamethrower in the air.

"Huh?" the engineer asked.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Pyro brought up his flamethrower and spy-checked him. The engineer caught fire.

"OH MY GOD!!!" He screamed, in a French accent, "I'M BURNING!!! OMG H4X0R!!!" He dropped to the ground and died right there.

Pyro collapsed and laughed maniacally. He was torching whatever came near him… and RED paid him for it! This was his dream job!

However, he soon got hungry, so he turned to the cow carcass. But the two carcasses, the spy and the cow, looked exactly the same. Uh-oh.


	2. Weighted Companion Cube

The Weighted companion Cube was deployed after GLaDOS's countdown, and was followed with a boilerplate reminder.

"The Enrichment centre reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will NEVER threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube DOES speak, the Enrichment Centre urges you to disregard its advice."

"Yeah yeah, sure." Chell caid, annoyed at how GLaDOS always pointed out the obvious as though she were a moron. "Give me a complicated piece of machinery to test and remind me that a metal cube can't speak. Makes a lot of sense."

"Psst!" A voice came from the direction of the cube.

"Huh?" Chell looked around. "Who was that?"

"It's me. Your companion cube!"

"Great. I'm losing it."

"Give me that gun, or I'll stab you!"

"You have a knife, a deadly weapon in my eye, and you want a vomit comet like this? That sounds kind of dumb."

"You heard me, bh. Gimme that gun!"

GLaDOS cut in on their argument.

"The Enrichment centre takes this opportunity to remind you that you still have a test chamber to complete. Please avoid bickering with your weighted companion cube, which, the Enrichment Centre reminds you, cannot speak.

AFTER THE TEST.

"For the 9000th time in as many tries, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE DANG GUN!" Chell screamed.

"No! Seriously! I've got a K-bar right here! Oh… so sharp…"

"The Enrichment centre congratulates you on finishing the test chamber." GLaDOS said. "However, the Weighted Companion cube cannot stay with you for the rest of the test chambers and must be euthanized."

"Good riddance, cube!" Chell hurled it into the incinerator.

"Whoa! It's kinda hot in here!" The cube said. "Ohh... Oh my GOD! I'm SORRY FOR EVERYTHIG OH MY GOD..."


	3. Cafe de Gravelpit

"He actually plays guitar?" Scout asked Engineer as everyone watched Pyro on stage.

"Didn't you see him on his axe?" Engineer asked, "He hit those power chords brilliantly."

"Really? I thought that was just for show!" Scout said, amazed.

Spy cleared his throat. "Excuse me, laborer." He said. "We were playing a game?"

"Of course." Engineer turned and eyed his hand. The spy was a dirty cheater-he'd have to play his hand carefully. His next week's salary depended on it. He carefully chose a card.

"Got any sixes?" he asked.

"Yawn." Spy said arrogantly, "that's exactly what you said last turn. Hope you invented a fishing pole by then."

Engineer picked up a card. Grand, another three. If he kept drawing so badly, he'd lose the game and another week's salary. Note to self, never gamble with someone who wears a balaclava.

"Got any fours?" Spy asked calmly. Engineer growled and handed him his one four. Spy grinned and laid it with its three brothers. And those along with his fives, sevens, tens, and… elevens? Wait…

"Wait a second!" Engineer said angrily. "Elevens aren't on any deck, and no face card has a balaclava and a cigarette! You're cheating!"

"What?!" Spy seemed taken aback. "That's absurd, you truckie! I'm not cheating!" Under the table, he silently opened his butterfly knife.

"Yeah! My foot!" Engineer was really peeved now. "You're not cheating, but ONLY when I play with you do new cards appear out of nowhere! Plus, I went to college, got a good job, and a good salary! And you're cheating me out of it!" He drew his wrench.

Spy stood and raised his knife. "Oh yeah? Don't gamble it away next time!"

Soldier stepped in and pressed the two down in their seats. "Oh yeah? Well, next time, ignore each other! Save it for 2fort, maggots!"

He turned and walked away, and Engineer left the table. Spy, sore at being told off, picked up a fork from his table and threw it at Soldier. It flew and embedded itself thinly in Soldier's helmet.

Soldier turned and surveyed the room, removing the fork from his helmet. "Which of you maggots threw this at me?!" He roared.

"He did!" Spy said, pointing at a nearby drunk, black Scottish Cyclops, Demoman.

"Aye me boottle 'o scrumpy!" He yelled in drunken slur, starting to chug down his 15th consecutive Scrumpty Dumpty bottle.

Soldier dragged the drunk man to the Happy Room, a tiny, bare, soft room for drunkards, and locked the door.

"Maybe I should've taken that bomb from him." Soldier said to himself.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Demoman screamed. A sharp, loud blast shot from the Happy room.

"Naah."


End file.
